I've given up on my dream of ever getting a job

20 years ago I was 'personally and professionally shafted' by one of UK's then leading social enterprises after they'd approached me out of the blue with a dream career offer. Acting in good faith, I recruited my successors in the co-op development agency I was employed in at the time, relocated my young family from Cambridge to 'up north', and was then suddenly told by their managers that I'd been speaking with, that it turned out that they didn't actually have the authority to follow through on the offer and invitation they'd made to me...  

I immediately started knocking on doors in my new adopted home town to find a next job (where no-one knew me, the internet and smartphones weren't yet a thing, etc). And the first offers of work I found required me to be self-employed - a necessity to support my family, rather than a deliberate career choice (as so many others' stories I hear about seem to be).

However, I was always looking to get back onto a respectable payroll - if only for the security it offered (after all, I had young family!); and then as years went on, for a sense of community, support (IT, etc); and sick/holiday pay and pension contributions.

It's now 20 years on - and despite setting various job alerts on different sites; having had my CV reviewed by different 'experts'; being encouraged to apply for roles by senior people in organisations I've been an associate to; and various interviews; I've still not landed a job offer. 

And its been increasingly challenging to find jobs that offer a salary and flexibility consummate with the caring responsibilities I now have, let alone be able to get shortlisted for interview.  

So having now reached my 50th year (which shouldn't make a difference, except we know it can), and with caring responsibilities which mean that I wouldn't be able to employ me if I were applying for a job with myself - I've reached the decision to officially 'give up' on this dream I've been chasing for the last 2 decades. This is because I recognise that it's never going to be able to happen in a way that I now need it to, but didn't them (chiefly because of the unpaid caring responsibilities I've been gained from the universe during this time: something I share with the 600+ other people who are having to quit their salaried jobs every day).

(Now, I should probably clarify that I don't begrudge being self-employed: there lots of positives I've enjoyed, and impacts I've been able to create, that universe might not have otherwise benefitted from because of the restrictions that being on a salaried payroll would otherwise have imposed on me.)

And strangely, I find myself not feeling any sense of loss in having made this choice. I've just given up on a dream I've been chasing for 20 years, which has in part been helping to sustain me, and which should surely make me feel mournful in some way? But instead, I find myself with a sense of release and freedom - and feeling (slightly) less stressed by having 'taken something out' of my expectations for my future, and focus for energy.

But I also recognise that this means I may actually start to properly take being self-employed seriously (for perhaps the first time ever!), as I've now abandoned my 'safety net' to it...