Thursday, December 22, 2011

Have a Health & Safety, Politically Correct, right on Christmas ......

All persons planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public.

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Integrity and Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered.

This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

(with thanks to RuSource!)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The speed of light is slower than you think...

I was reading recently about a new radio telescope that will be able to see the light generated by the first stars in the universe when they originally formed. It’ll have taken several billion years for us to be able to see this event, even though it’s been travelling at the speed of light!

Very often we expect instant results – if we register a company, we’ll instantly be awarded contracts; or, if we form a charity, we’ll instantly be awarded a huge grant from the Lottery. We’ll be able to generate a surplus within the first year, we’ll be supporting scores of people into employment by this time next month ... But invariably this doesn’t happen. Because things take time.

We increasingly assume (consciously or otherwise, and likely because of ‘encouragements’ we receive from other agencies and bodies around us), that every action and decision we make will generate an immediate re-action. But we forget that actions and reactions, by their very definition and nature, will change accepted norms. We’re creatures of habit, drawing comfort and reassurance from those things that are familiar and therefore comfortable (even more so in these turbulent times). New things will take time for people to get used to them. Your new enterprise will need time to be understood and accepted by the wider world before commissioners award it contracts, or it’s successful in its bids for grants.

So – just because you feel you’re moving at the speed of light, remember that the rest of the world needs a bit of time to catch up with you; try and be patient...