Friday, December 20, 2013

Christmas has been outsourced to Santaco...

I hear that Christmas has been affected by austerity and outsourced to Santaco. The elves have been cut altogether (despite organised protest at the highest level). The elves have however been given funds to help them to set up a new Elvish mutual. The Elfing Hands Coop aims to bring peace and harmony to the world, according to its new Chairman who is enjoying spending time at the north pole surrounded by white powder. Santaco is being investigated for allegedly stealing children’s presents and making up false Christmas lists. This hasn’t stopped them continuing to be front runners for the upcoming tooth fairy contract (despite organised protest from the dental profession). 

Santa’s sleigh has been replaced by a high speed helicopter to try to meet new and ambitious payment by results targets. Industry insiders think that new restrictions on using chimneys to gain access to houses without permission means most presents will not be delivered until mid August at the earliest. 

The Minister for Christmas has announced that some people are indulging too much with disastrous consequences for the deficit. “We cannot let the reckless behaviour of a small minority ruin this ancient celebration”. In future the focus will be on early intervention – with Christmas starting in May. He also announced a shift to evidence based gift giving (only approved gifts which lead the recipients to healthy lifestyles, greater well being and reduced use of A and E or other public services) and promised legislation to end to the culture of excess which has blighted the ceremony for so long.

A new hard hitting inspectorate OffYule will be set up with sweeping powers to put people into special measures should they fail to meet new Christmas austerity targets.

(with thanks to Dave Hollings ;-)

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